Healthy aggression is the life force

”Olen hirveä ihminen.” Nämä sanat kuulen varsin usein työssäni Maria Akatemiassa. Väkivaltaiseen käytökseen liittyy voimakasta häpeää – eihän nainen, saati äiti, edes voi olla väkivaltainen! Monesti väkivallan takana on jollakin tavalla ajatus aggression vääränlaisuudesta. Ajatellaan ettei saisi suuttua, kiukustua, ärsyyntyä tai harmistua. Sallittujen tunteiden listalla on vain tietyt tunteet. Eino wonder that, as a natural part, the emotions that belong to humanity seek a way out sooner or later — one way or another.

In order for anger to harness constructive use into healthy aggression, it is important to become aware of the root causes of one’s own violent behavior, and to take responsibility for both one’s own light and darkness. As long as one's own shadows are not admitted, they can be reflected in the environment as destructive forces. We have many facets, and only by valuing all of these aspects as an important part of ourselves, our own humanity, can we be in line with ourselves.

Damaged under the surface, unexpressed needs and feelings need a way out. And rushing out somewhere inevitably out of violence, appearing to be toxic passive-aggressivena or turn against ourselves and our relationships - unless we agree to take responsibility for our own good and evil. The more we overtake ourselves, and the worse we can trace our limits over time.

Excessive kindness and pleasure can be found in the background. The role of the victim can also be strict. Sacrifice is also strongly linked to manipulative behavior.

Jos taas joskus on sanoittanut selkeät rajansa ja tullut syyllistetyksi siitä, voi pelätä konflikteja tai loukkaavansa muita, joten siksi saattaa lähteä jälleen kerran miellyttämisen tielle, tinkimään omasta hyvinvoinnistaan. Nielee sitkeästi sen mitä tulisi sanoa ääneen, jotta vain kaikilla olisi ”hyvä olla”. Ja sisäinen paine sekä paha olo kasvaa kasvamistaan.

Kindness retaliates - the pressure cooker swells somewhere intolerable and rushes out violently - to itself or others. Violence can occur in many ways and can sometimes be difficult to identify. Underneath the rage can also be those sensitive and vulnerable emotions, such as grief that you may not have dared to make room for in your own life before.

I feel that in order to change the world, we need to focus on ourselves. Only by taking care of our own plot can we bring about real change. We cannot change others, but we can influence our own behavior and actions. As each of us focuses on strengthening our own well-being, standing firmly on our side, the common good is strengthened at the same time.

Direct expression of emotion and need always tends to build, and sometimes you may have to say quite stubbornly. This can be difficult, as standing on one’s side may also be blamed. In this case, standing on one's side is accompanied by shame or guilt, which is why it is always important to scan what is happening in a difficult interaction situation: Is the other trying to make me a carrier of their difficult feelings? Is the boundary consciousness of the other missing, in which case he has no sensitivity to recognize where my boundaries pass? Do the feelings and energy of the other take hold of me now, am I taking on something that doesn’t belong to me? Which things in this situation belong to me and which to the other? The best thing you can do is stay rooted in yourself and your body.

Minusta tuntuu, että myötätunto -termi ymmärretään monesti väärin. Tai sitä voidaan myös käyttää tietoisesti väärin ihmissuhdepelin aseena, kun halutaan saada toinen tuntemaan syyllisyyttä vaikkapa selkeiden rajojen asettamisesta. Saatetaan sanoa ”no sinä se et ole kovin myötätuntoinen ihminen” tms.

Compassion is also stubbornness. Boundary awareness. Compassion is not about having to always agree to everything or accept behavior that doesn’t feel good on its own. Compassion is linked to sensitivity - identifying what feels good and what doesn’t. The ability to understand but not to understand, otherwise you may slip away from your own strength and leave your own feelings and needs behind.

Compassion does not mean having to be infinitely flexible, taking responsibility for another’s difficult feelings, or not even expressing one’s own views if the situation demands it.

Compassion is a bridge from heart to heart, but never at the expense of your own well-being.